This is a forum for people to discuss their experiences. It was created so those who have encountered this teacher may feel less alone and to provide information for those who are curious.
Please share both positive and negative experiences.
A reporter from a major news syndicate is currently researching the Sai Maa community.
Some of you know me better; some of you know me less. About
8 years of my life had been fully devoted to Sai Maa, 3 years of them as a
monk. I've got to travel with Sai Maa in many places around the world, to serve
her as one of her personal assistants, and to share a very profound
relationship with her. During this time I've been supporting Sai Maa to create
the Ashram in Betlar, the Asram in Crestone and many other projects in Israel,
India and America.
I'm sure that many of you heard me more then one time
sharing my great experiences with Sai Maa, praising her, and expressing my deep
devotion to her. This time I would like to share with you a different
experience, maybe less pleasant, but not less encouraging. It is up to you to
decide what to do with these words. I feel that it is my moral duty to share
the truth, after all these years that I've been ignoring it and hiding it,
trying to hold the 'picture' perfect for myself and for everyone else.
About one and a half years ago I left the Ashram and retired
from the Brahmachari life. It is not any more a secret that as a monk I was in
love with the woman that I'm currently very happily married to. However, that
was not the only reason why I left Sai Maa. In fact, when I had to make the
choice between follow my feelings or follow Sai Maa and her teachings, I chose
the second option. As you can imagine, it wasn't easy, but I was convinced that
Sai Maa knows the best- what serves me for the highest, and I was sure that her
intentions are pure.
What made me reconsider my choice, and eventually follow my
heart, was the understanding that as long as I am around Sai Maa I couldn't be
free! When Sai Maa did not allow me to go to Israel to visit my family and earn
some money, I've started asking myself the question: "Am I really
free?" I was taught to think that the inner freedom is what important and
not the external one. I was also taught that if I will obey, and will surrender
myself fully to Sai Maa, as the embodiment of the Divine, I will eventually
become free from my ego. Is it so?
What is it then a Self-Mastery? Mastering your senses and
your desires so well that you would become a perfect puppet for Sai Maa, or is
it about finding the Divine guidance within? I tried to think about all the
beings that I knew along the years as Sai Maa's students, and I couldn't find
even a single person, who is free to do as he/she guided to do without the need
for Sai Maa's approval, and in the same time is still in good connection with
Why all these beings that Sai Maa herself declared as
enlightened, still has to obey her? Why does she get so upset when they do
things that are without her permission or against her will? What about their
Self-Mastery? And how come Sai Maa one day may give a person the title:
"enlightened", and in another day may take it back? Is it really
about Self-Mastery and inner freedom, or is it all about control?
These were some of the questions that aroused in me. In the
same time I was questioning my path as Brahmachari. For me, maybe the hardest
part was to follow this path without my Guru being a role model. In fact,
traveling all these years with Sai Maa, I've got to witness a being that is
enjoying life ecstatically with all her senses. Sai Maa never tried to renounce
life. More then that, you might be surprised to know that Sai Maa was having
sexual relationships with some of her closest students! And it didn't really
matter to her that some of them were married and had families.
It is a very deep moral issue, if it is OK for a Guru to
sleep with his/her students. I am not here to judge what is right and what is
wrong. I feel that some of those beings were deeply damaged by it, but they
might also gain from it. God will judge. Nevertheless, it is very strange when
a Guru asks her students to be brahmacharies, saying that it is the highest
path, and being revered by the highest priests in India, while she sleeps with
her students. Maybe a being in her state of consciousness is beyond such minor
things that we simple humans call values…
Personally, I never believed in renouncement. I always felt
that God gifted me with senses, so I may explore them, rejoice them, and use
them for worshiping him. And Sai Maa demonstrated it better then any one else
that I ever met. In some cultures and for certain beings it might be the
highest path. Even in our culture, practicing celibacy for some time might be
very beneficial. However, I do not think that there can be a highest path that
we can all fit into. I know that I didn't realty fit into it, and thanks God, I
was able to realize it soon enough.
On the bottom line, all those questions made me wonder if
Sai Maa is really seeking to serve us for the highest, or maybe it is easier
for her to control us, when we don't have partners (and even worth- children)
that might distract us from serving her, and might remove her from the top of
our priority list.
It always made me wonder why does she get so upset when
someone leaves her, and create such a huge drama around it? Are all those
beautiful beings that are leaving Sai Maa one after the other, fell from the
top of the pyramid, because of the last and strongest remain of their ego, or
maybe they simply felt that Sai Maa's teaching is not in alignment with them
any more? And why does Sai Maa need all those titles that she "doesn't
really care about"?
After all, we are all humans, we all have desires and
different motives, and after traveling all these years with Sai Maa, I'm sorry
to disappoint you, but she is not less human then each one of us. As beautiful
and novel her goals might seem to be, it is up to us to find for ourselves if
all the means are eligible to serve these goals, and what is truly our
call. My last and strongest lesson from my experience with Sai Maa was to find
God within, and to trust the inner voice of God more then anything else,
including the Guru.
I love Sai Maa, and I bless her. She is no doubt an
incredible woman, with lots of love, great power and huge charisma. I had many
amazing experiences with her, I learned a lot from her, and I do not regret the
time I've spent with her. When my time had come to spread my wings and leave
the nest, I did it, and I thank God for giving me the courage and the
determination to do it, because it wasn't so easy. Nevertheless, it was
definitely worth it!
I apologize if my words hurt your feelings in any way. I ask
for your forgiveness for anything that I have done along the years that might
had helped to deceive you, or to distract you in any way from the truth and
from God. I cherish you as brothers and sisters on the path, and I wish you the